Recovering from Toxic Relationships When You’ve Always Been the Strong One

Many of us who grew up being “the strong one” — the one who held everything together — carry invisible wounds. Especially for those from marginalised communities, where survival often takes priority over emotional safety, we’re not taught how to spot toxic dynamics… let alone heal from them.

We find ourselves in relationships that mirror our pain. We people-please, over-give, and tolerate disrespect because deep down, our self-worth was shaped by struggle, silence, and sacrifice.

But what happens when we start to awaken to the truth that we deserve more?

My Story of Letting Go - Recovering From Toxic Relationships

Before we dive into the practical work of healing, I want to share a personal story that shaped my understanding of how deeply these dynamics can run.

I recently reflected on a friendship that lasted over 13 years. I remember the sinking feeling of realising I had allowed emotional manipulation, one-sidedness, and subtle abuse to slowly erode my self-esteem.

At the time, I didn’t have the language for it. I thought being a good friend meant endless forgiveness, shrinking myself, and absorbing blame that wasn’t mine to carry.

Leaving wasn’t easy. But with therapy, self-work, and support, I finally walked away.

Common Struggles After Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Even when the relationship ends, the impact doesn’t. Survivors often struggle with:

• Low self-esteem – Feeling like you’re never “enough,” or like you’re hard to love

• Anger at self – “Why did I stay so long?”

• Triggers – Seemingly small things that take you right back to that emotional chaos

• Distrust – Struggling to trust yourself or others, even in safe relationships

• Hyper-independence – “I’ll just do it all myself so I won’t get hurt again.”

  
  

Sound familiar? You're not alone.

When You’ve Been Taught to Abandon Yourself

Sometimes, the most painful part of leaving a toxic relationship isn’t the ending—it’s realising how long you tolerated it. And maybe even more confronting… is seeing how you kept yourself small to make it work.

This is where many of my clients land—especially those who’ve been the “strong one,” the “fixer,” or the one who learned early on that love had to be earned through sacrifice.

You might recognise this in yourself:

• You ignore red flags because confrontation feels unsafe.

• You overextend yourself just to avoid conflict.

• You say “yes” when you’re screaming “no” inside.

• You feel deeply uncomfortable when others are unhappy with you.

• You find it hard to believe that you deserve love without proving your worth.

  
  

These patterns don’t just appear in romantic relationships—they often begin in childhood, shaped by emotionally unavailable or unpredictable caregivers. Over time, people-pleasing becomes a survival strategy. And while it kept you safe back then, it’s now keeping you stuck.

Here’s the truth: It’s not your fault that you developed these habits. But it is your work to unlearn them—so you can experience the kind of love that doesn’t cost you your peace.

🌱 Actionable Ways to Begin That Work:

1. Start noticing when you abandon yourself. Keep a daily check-in: “Did I say yes when I meant no today?” “Did I put someone else’s comfort above my own safety?” Awareness is the first, gentle step.

2. Practise tiny acts of self-loyalty. You don’t need to go full “boundary queen” overnight. Start small: pause before replying. Ask for a minute. Say, “Let me get back to you.” Build the muscle of checking in with you before making decisions.

3. Challenge the belief that love must be earned. Write down where you first learned that your needs weren’t valid. Was it at home? In school? Then gently ask: What might change if I believed I was worthy of love without performance?

4. Find spaces that affirm your truth. You don’t have to do this work alone. Healing in relationships—whether through therapy, friendships, or community—can help rewire your nervous system to trust safety again. This is the work of re-parenting your inner child, of showing up for the “you” who never got the chance to just be.

Healing Is a Process — Not a Straight Line

Recovering from toxic relationships isn't about erasing the past — it's about learning to tend to the wounds it left behind. This is especially true when you've been the "strong one" for so long that your pain became invisible, even to yourself. Letting go of the performance of strength is part of healing.

Here are a few things that have supported both me and my clients in the journey:

1. Make space for the anger

You’re not “too sensitive.” Your anger is sacred. It shows you what hurt and what mattered. Journal it, voice note it, move it through your body. Anger, when honoured, becomes fuel for boundaries.

2. Challenge the voice of shame

When someone mistreats you, and you’ve internalised their words? That’s not your truth — it’s a trauma echo. Gently ask: “Whose voice is this?” Then replace it with your own.

3. Practice trusting safe people slowly

The safest relationships don’t require performance. Start small — let someone in just a little more than you’re used to. Notice how they respond. Let your nervous system learn: “I’m safe here.”

4. Watch for triggers — with compassion

When you're triggered, pause. Say to yourself: “This is a leftover response from a time when I wasn’t safe. But I’m safe now.” Regulate first, reflect later.

5. Reconnect with your body

Trauma disconnects us from our body. Recovery invites us to come home. Gentle breathwork, movement, or even placing a hand on your chest and saying: “I’m here now. I’m safe.”

You Deserve Relationships That Don’t Hurt

Safe love doesn’t require you to shrink. Healthy relationships won’t leave you guessing. Your pain is valid, and so is your healing.

It’s okay to miss the person and still choose peace.

It’s okay to grieve the time you lost and still be proud that you left.

 You are not broken — you’re rebuilding.

Ready to start healing from toxic dynamics and reconnect with the version of you who feels whole again?

Here’s how you can take the next step:

📥 Download my free guide: Tired of Being the Strong One? How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Guilt — a gentle, practical tool to start unlearning those survival patterns.

🗓️ Prefer personalised support? Book a 1:1 therapy session with me — we’ll work together to rebuild your self-trust and create space for relationships that truly feel safe.